The Most Common Myths and Excuses for Abuse/Battering

Anger Causes Abuse
Why is it that not everyone who is angry is abusive? Why are people not abusive every time they are angry? Why are people abusive when they are not angry? Anger is an emotion that everyone feels- Abuse is an action used to gain Power & Control.

Drinking & Drugging Cause Abuse
Why do some people who drink not abuse? Aren’t there times when addicts use and do not abuse or abuse when they are not using? Some abusers never used at all and others are still abusive after they have stopped using! Drinking & drugging are separate problems and both need to be dealt with.

Abusers Are “Out of Control” When They Abuse
Why don’t they kill their partners or themselves? Why do they have limits to what abusive acts they will use? Why do they choose when, where, and what to do when they abuse? Why don’t they abuse their boss or people on the street? Saying an abuser is out of control is a way of excusing their abuse and minimizes the fact that they intended to control and/or hurt their partner.

The Abuse Is Mutual
This implies that the power in the relationship is evenly distributed. While women may do hurtful things in a relationship, are men really afraid of them? Doesn’t men’s ability to overpower women and the fear that comes with that give men the ultimate power advantage?

Only those persons who have Power & Control over another can be abusive.

It Takes Two People To Be Abusive/Violent
Aren’t people abusive to others simply because they choose to be, no matter what the other person does or does not do? Aren’t there times when others do hurtful things to us and we are not abusive to them? Abuse is a choice. While others may do things that upset us we are responsible for our choices and actions.

Only Physical Violence Is Abusive
This ignores all the other forms of abuse such as put-downs, threats, intimidation, coercion, forced sex, controlling the money, who your partner sees or where they go, etc. Abuse is an act that hurts, humiliates, causes fear, or forces the other person to do things against their will. Battering is using abuse to control their partner.

Abuse Is A Sickness
Didn’t we all grow up with the idea that violence is okay sometimes or that we stand up for ourselves by using abuse/violence? Haven’t we always told men that they should be in control, on top, winners, or the boss? Instead of abuse being a sickness, maybe it’s an effect of living in a whole belief system that we were taught as kids and looked down upon if we didn’t act accordingly?

The Abuse Is An Isolated Thing, Not A Pattern
Because we may only see the abuse once a month, once every six months or even once a year it may appear isolated. Unfortunately, experience has consistently shown that abuse/battering follows a cyclical pattern that only gets worse without intervention. What we see from outside the relationship is only a small marker of the total range of abusive tactics.

Sometimes It Seems They Wanted It
Does anyone want to be abused? Do we want our daughters and sons to be abused? Because a person does not back down from being abused does not mean they are asking for it. They do not want to be abused anymore! 

Sometimes They Deserved It
While some people believe this, doesn’t it take all of us to believe that no one deserves to be abused, not a partner, not a friend, not a child, no one? This is a decision that goes to our deepest values as a person and a society. As long as this myth/excuse continues then the abuse/violence will continue.

Lack Of Communication Skills Causes Abuse
People are quite good at getting their point across well when they want to and when they cannot - does everyone become abusive? Abusers/batterers are quite good at communicating. It is what they want to communicate that is the problem. Lack of communication skills is a totally separate issue from abusing/battering.

Children Are Not Affected, Especially If They Are Young Or Didn’t See It
Here the evidence is clear. Children suffer by blaming themselves, trying to stop it, acting out violently, doing poorly in school, slowed development, bedwetting , feeling they have to choose between mom and dad, thinking that abusive relationships are normal or healthy or that healthy relationships are impossible. The best way to really teach children about non-abusive relationships is to live them ourselves.

Adapted from the EMERGE, VCS and DULUTH Batters program from the Clinton County 
Domestic Violence Task Force by A. Joseph Burdo.

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